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# Thread: Look what I found.....

1. ## Look what I found.....

PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware

sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT
This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.

2. ## Re: Look what I found.....

Here's another just for laughs.

http://www.funpages.com/excuses/

and another

I was gonna post another one with women's ads but recent events at the forum made me reconsider if that would be wise. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

3. ## Re: Look what I found.....

More outsourcing. But this time it's Dakota, not Delhi.

http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/...ra/P111874.asp

4. ## Re: Look what I found.....

This is an old favourit of mine. First saw it over a decade ago.

http://www.netjeff.com/humor/item.cgi?file=barometer

5. ## Re: Look what I found.....

This one's dedicated to the guy in my neighboring cube, a true talent and a legend of our times....

http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/prince25.shtml

6. ## Re: Look what I found.....

"We can't do this proposed project.**CAN NOT**. It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy
system.
And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this
application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they
can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take
these
type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager :

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any
staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we
take
this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a
project
of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much
experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able
to do
the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have
worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So
they
can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this
project,
but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO :

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some
people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by
us
under any circumstances."

CEO to Client :

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me
when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing
this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame."

7. ## Re: Look what I found.....

The capitalist creates a market for elephant tusks by selling the unique beauty and rarity of ivory. He then pays anyone who will deliver the tusks a price that is one hundred times what they could make farming or in a local manufacturing job. (Approx \$5 US a pound) Poachers then collect the tusks by killing the elephants. This results in the most efficient and cost effective way to rid the world of elephants. The capitalist never even has to leave their home country or get his hands dirty.

8. ## Re: Look what I found.....

A man dies and goes to heaven. He looks around the white fluff, and
notices thousands of clocks all about, all set at different times.

He reaches the gates, and asks St.Peter, what's with all the clocks. He
replies, "They're lie clocks, everytime someone lies, the hands move a

The man points at one and asks, "Who's is that?" St.Peter replies, "Mother
Teresa's, it still at twelve o'clock, meaning she never lied in her whole
life."

"Who clock is that?" "Abraham Lincoln's, it's at 12:02, he only lied twice
in his entire life."

The man wonders, "Where's George W. Bushes clock?" St.Peter replies, "In
Jesus' office, he using it as a ceiling fan."

9. ## Re: Look what I found.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

10. ## Re: Look what I found.....

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